Information on Domestic Violence

　
Many times I have sat across from a person who admitted they have abused the one they claim to love. Many times I have asked myself what makes these individuals tick? What compels them to inflict physical, mental and emotional abuse and pain on another? When asked what drove them to commit these acts of violence, what did they feel the victim had done to warrant the attacks, each gave basically the same reply, “I don’t know. He/She did nothing. I was angry, I could’t control myself.” Many went on to explain how sorry they were that they had abused their loved one. A few I actually believed were remorseful that they had hurt them - that they actually did love their victim. Perpetrators who recognize their actions are not acceptable, not normal behavior, not participating in a healthy, loving relationship have the highest rate of recovery with proper therapy/counseling.

Where does love fit into the picture when a person abuses someone they claim to love?

As odd as it may seem many abusers do love their victims. The abuse does not stem from anything the victim has done, it’s about ultimate control. They cannot control many aspects of their own lives, be it on a personal level or work related, so they focus their attention on their mates. They become their own personal punching bag as a means to relieve pent up aggression, anger and resentment towards what the problem really is. They reflect what they are made up of, low self esteem, lack of control over their emotions and/or anger, their inability to function on a mentally healthy level of consciousness. Depression - drug and alcohol abuse often walk hand in hand with abuse. Mental illness may also be a factor in Domestic Violence and abuse.

Are there men/women who abuse because they are evil and lack compassion?

Sadly enough I do feel there are a majority of perpetrators who are simply evil. They have no sense of compassion, lack understanding of the pain they are inflicting on their victims, or comprehend they have even done anything wrong. In my research on Domestic Violence, Mental illness and abuse of many forms it is safe to say 9 out of 10 perpetrators abused other children and/or animals/pets as an adolescent. As a small child they did not develop normal characteristics that a normal psyche does that recognizes right from wrong. Their reality is drastically distorted. To them their actions are perfectly normal. I have met a few that left me wondering if they even owned souls, if they could ever be rehabilitated and placed back into society. In these I saw a dark empty abyss that only the use of violence/abuse could fill. Their pleasure is another’s pain. Yes evil does exist within mankind. Sometimes an evil so perverse and corrupt no amount of counseling can cure them.
　
The most common question, “Why don’t they just leave if they are being abused?”

It isn’t as easy as it sounds. Many times the victim isn't financially able to escape. When there are children involved it is almost impossible. I said almost, not completely impossible. When children are involved the victim is under a legal obligation, if court ordered, to remain in contact with the perpetrator in regards to the children’s welfare, visitation rights etc. This adds to the problem of remaining safe and at a safe distance from the abuser. Many perpetrators of Domestic Violence use their own children as pawns in the battle to control the victim. Proper notation of threats, concerns and legal matters should be conducted for future court hearings or complaints. A restraining order is as they say, “just a piece of paper” but if used correctly can become a weapon of defense. Log any and all violations and/or concerns and report them to the authorities.

Will physical, mental and emotional abuse ever end?

No! I hate to say it but there will never be an end to abuse - be it physical, mental or emotional. To end any form of abuse we would have to have the means to eradicate it - completely reformat mankind’s genetic make-up - remove any resemblance of the emotion called anger. With knowledge and information families can learn ways to control anger/violence within the family unit. Children learn from example and while violence remains a common way of life the cycle will never be broken. A child will not have a chance at a normal, healthy lifestyle when violence is a part of their up bringing. To eliminate violence that will follow a child into adulthood as parents we have to be responsible in how our children are being raised. To end the cycle of domestic violence - drug and/or alcohol abuse we have to face the painful truth. That truth being, children are a reflection of their parents on many levels. They mimic what they see on a daily basis. When violence is a way of life for a family the child grows into an adult thinking it’s perfectly alright to slap - punch - curse - kick - abuse their mate. Violence is a vicious enemy that takes much commitment, counseling and the willingness to break if we want a brighter future for our children. Dedication to seeing that each child has a possible future free of violence and abuse can only happen if people want to be educated on D/V - abuse and have the courage to seek help if they are a victim. The road to freedom and sanity is a long one that has many stumbling stones, but you have to remember, it takes time to heal and move forward. Remember each day that the fight won't last forever. The day will come when you no longer have to fear abuse at the hands of a loved one.
　
Can anger become a tool for good, not always bad?

Anger can be a constructive tool when applied properly. We have to understand anger is a secondary emotion. When we recognize what triggers our anger be it jealousy, embarrassment etc, we can control it and use it constructively. I myself have been so angry that I wanted to bash someone’s face in with a two by four. I analyzed the anger and recognized it for what it was. I was able to act accordingly and resolved the issue. Common sense and reasoning is the key to managing anger/violence. We have to control our impulses to act without first thinking. When we can achieve this most of our problems that stem from anger can be eliminated.